I’ve been thinking for awhile of writing some posts that are more like essays on misc topics relating to Sex, Kink, and Life. These are all my own opinions here in this blog, although I plan to link to a number of different authors who have written some good essays on these topics. My disclaimer is that what you get here is Life and Kink according to Lance. Second disclaimer, this post has turned into a lengthy beast.
I’m going to start with some thoughts on Consent and Communication. It seems like it’s been a hot topic among bloggers and discussion contributors lately. I’ve had the opportunity to play a lot over the last few years, not with many partners, but a lot of time spent with a couple of partners. I haven’t ever played in ‘public’ or at a ‘play party’, although I would like to at some point, so my experience comes from private play between partners. Some of things that I read online bother me, because there are a lot of people out there with what I consider to be a screwed up view of the way things ought to be regarding play, kinky play, sex, consent, communication. I thought I would add my two cents to the confusing mess that is the internet.
I consider myself a ‘Switch’, I’m not too fond of labels, but that fits best I think among the kinkster labels. I enjoy both dominating and submitting, tying up and being tied up; I actually think it’s pretty essential to know both sides. I’m not judging anyone who is purely into one or the other, but I will throw a question out there. If you’ve never been on the receiving end of that paddle, or those ropes, or so on and so forth, how do you know how to use it? The knowledge that I gain ‘on the bottom’ undeniably helps me do a better job when I’m the one dominating, and vice-a-versa. There’s no substitute for knowing exactly how something feels, for knowing exactly how much that paddle hurts.
For me there are a few things that are pretty clear, everyone is different so some things do change, but I do think there are some basic tenets that are, for all intents and purposes, always true. I feel like some of what I’m going to write about is obvious, but given some of the things I’ve run across online, maybe it’s not always obvious. The more I read and experience, the more I realize that I was lucky in the people and environments that I had not just my first kinky experiences, but also my first sexual experiences. So, the more safe, sane, consensual guidelines and posts there are out there for people to read the better. Not to mention writing and guidelines that are solidly based in reality, rather than someone’s fantasy world. Again Life and Kink according to Lance.
We’ll start with a list:
1) Communication is key, if my partner and I are communicating well and
clearly (whether verbally or non-verbally, usually a combination of both)
then things will probably go well and we’ll likely both have a good time.
2) For things to be fun for me both of us need to be having a good time.
3) I always have a safeword in place.
4) Ego needs to be checked at the door
Communication is key; if there were to be one overriding tenet, this would be it. I’ve been lucky enough to not have had any really bad experiences resulting from kink, or even from vanilla sex for that matter. Some experiences were not as good as others, but because in those cases there were good lines of communication going, it made it easier to navigate when things began to move in a bad direction for one of us.
Minou and I explored our kinkiness together; we were each other’s first kinky experiences. So, it that way it made it easier to grow and experiment together. Our communication was good inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom; we could talk about anything. We talked about sex a lot, about fantasies, about what turned us on, and what turned us off, about what we wanted, about what we thought we might want but weren’t sure, about the things that made us nervous. As we got know each other those discussions got deeper, more intimate, we divulged our ‘dark’ fantasies, and we started making our play harder, rougher, more intense. We could do that because we trusted each other and we communicated constantly.
I want to talk about several levels of communication; I just mentioned talking about fantasies and desires. Discussing things beforehand would be one level. That way everybody knows what to expect, at least in a general way. You both have a feeling of the things that the other likes and dislikes, and what turns them on (and off).
Communicating while things are going on would be another level. A lot of it for me is non-verbal, especially with Minou; she and I knew each other well enough that we could usually tell what the other was feeling. Oftentimes we didn’t need to talk, I could see when I was about to cross the line between what was ok and what would be too much, and I could see when I should push her harder. Even times when I did nudge over that line, often I could tell and correct the tone/intensity before she felt the need to say something. The other side of communication during the play is actually verbal communication. A lot of things I’ve found online irritate me because apparently there are a lot of people out there very against actual communication while they’re playing. To me that is just stupid. If you know each other well enough to not need it, that’s great, but even with someone you know that’s not always the case. Minou and I got very good at the nonverbal communication, but we still checked in verbally sometimes. If I wasn’t really sure where she was at, I would check in. If you’re not sure, ask. If Minou was tied up she would say something to me if something was wrong, uncomfortable in a bad way, or she felt like things were going somewhere she didn’t want to go. To me it’s a no-brainer to decide between taking the time to make sure that everyone is having a good time and risking ‘breaking the mood’ for a moment, especially if you and your partner don’t know each other very well.
With Minou I would often ask her, “How are you feeling?” Sometimes, often, I would ask that when I knew things were good, because I wanted her to tell me how much something was turning her on or how badly she wanted something, just as a part of our play. We also used it as a way to check in, if things were good then the response would be in line with what we were doing. If things were beginning to go poorly then it was an opportunity to comment before things got worse. She and I explored together and when we first started we were learning, and we made mistakes. I tied her wrists too tight the first time we played (it took me a few tries to get the techniques right), she said something and we paused long enough to fix it and that was fine. There’s no reason not to check in, and plenty of ways things can go wrong if you don’t.
With MH, she and I checked in a lot more often. We didn’t know each as well as Minou and I did; we never got to that level of nonverbal communication, and checking in was essential. I introduced her to kinky things and it was my responsibility to make sure that she was having a good time. It was a tricky situation because having never experienced it before, even she wasn’t sure what she wanted. It turned out that she enjoyed being ‘forced’, pinned down, spanked, dominated; obviously this was a very tricky situation. I didn’t always do the right thing, but the communication was good and when we needed to pause we paused, and when we just needed to stop we stopped. I took things slow and made sure that when we explored the ‘forcing her’ aspect it was in a pleasurable way and not really forcing anything. Even knowing that was a turn-on for her, diving headfirst into that would have been the wrong way to approach it. We worked it out because we trusted each other; she knew that when she talked I was listening.
Eventually Minou and I had years worth of conversation about sex and kink to draw on, and the non-verbal communication got better and better. MH and I never reached that level of communication, but that was ok because we checked in more often and talked about what was wrong (and right).
That brings us to the last level of communication, which is talking about things afterward. Doesn’t have to be immediately afterwards, sometimes it’s better to wait awhile, but that’s often for me where the best source of information comes from. Talk about what was good, what was really good, what was not as good, where lines were crossed (hopefully not), or nearly crossed.
I wrote about an instance where Minou and I played rough, played with what people sometimes call ‘consensual-nonconsent’; I wrote about it here. It was great experience for both of us, I loved it and so did she. I want to touch on a couple of points. We talked about it beforehand, about what she wanted, and what about the idea turned her on. I gathered a few very specific ideas about what she wanted, enough so that I felt that I could safely extrapolate from there. I also gathered some info about what she didn’t want, for example she didn’t want to be called a ‘bitch’, ‘slut’ was ok and even desired, but ‘bitch’ pushed the wrong buttons for her. That’s an important detail. One that I would never have known if we hadn’t talked very specifically, and given what she’d already told me about wanting ‘dirty’, ‘nasty’ name calling I probably would have used ‘bitch’ if I hadn’t asked that question. We had already been sleeping together for a long time at that point, our nonverbal communication was very good, and that’s what we relied on during the ‘scene’, but still the talking beforehand was essential. It worked well, I pushed hard, harder than ever before, but I also paid really close attention to where she was at, making things very intense, but backing off before it crossed a line into being truly unpleasant. Afterwards, not immediately, but a bit afterwards we talked about the good and less good points so that we could learn from it and do it again better.
In my opinion consent needs to be explicit. More communication, at worst makes things take a little longer, maybe the ‘mood’ suffers some, but then nobody gets hurt, nobody has an unpleasant experience. Then, given the knowledge that you’ve gained, the next time will better. Once you know someone well perhaps there can be wiggle room in the sense that once consent has been given for a general class of activity you can play within that. However I think it’s fairly obvious, consent needs to be explicit. Err, on the side of more communication.
Point number two, for things to be fun for me both of us need to be having a good time. This one seems obvious to me. If both people aren’t having fun then something is wrong. If I’m paying attention to whether both of us are having fun, and making sure that we’re communicating then things are probably going to go well. It does get a little more complicated, for instance with spanking and pain. The swats with my nice wooden paddle or the leather paddle hurt, and that’s where the communication is really important. Is it good pain or bad pain? It depends on the mental state/headspace of the person on the receiving end, what is good one day might not be good the next. So, again with the paying attention.
It also gets more complicated when I like things that my partner doesn’t necessarily like. Communication. Two examples, the first is that I really like tickling. Minou doesn’t particularly like it. She enjoys it during sex, and has a love/hate relationship with the domination aspect of it while she’s tied up. We did sometimes play with tickling, but we talked about it. I never did anything that she was seriously against. We played lightly, because that was ok (I knew that because we talked), and I didn’t do it all the time. A few times I tickled her harder, but we had talked about it beforehand and she ok’d it. On the flip side she enjoys anal play (receiving) and I wasn’t so into that (it is growing on me as time goes on). We talked about it, and sometimes she would ask for it and I would do it. I did it because she really likes it, same thing with the tickling for her. There can be give and take, that’s part of a relationship; it worked because we talked about it, a lot. Probably not things that we would have done if we hadn’t know each other so well. We worked up to that. We did things we weren’t necessarily too into ourselves because we adored pleasuring the other person, and that was ok and good for both of us. Neither of us felt like we ‘had’ to do anything, we did it because we wanted to, and that I think is the crux of the issue. All comes back to the communication.
Safewords. I always play with a safeword. I think it’s silly and stupid not to. I like two levels of safewords, I’ve used ‘red’ and ‘yellow’. ‘Red’ meaning things are not good, we need to stop now. ‘Yellow’ meaning things are beginning to go in a bad direction, we don’t have to stop, but change it up. For me it’s a safety net, I’m going to do everything in power to make things fun for my partner, but I’m not perfect. A safeword gives a level of communication that is unmistakable in its meaning. I don’t want to make my partners safeword, if things have gotten to that point then I have probably done something wrong. I try to communicate with my partners in such a way that using the safeword is not necessary. It gives you that safety net if you need it, and I think especially in the beginning as you are getting to know someone when there is a higher likelihood of a misunderstanding that it’s important to have that net. People aren’t perfect, they get tired, headspace changes, nonverbal communication is misread, etc. In the last few years that I’ve been doing kinky things very rarely have I or my partner safeworded, but it has happened and it was very important that the groundwork was laid for that.
I think it was the 2nd time that MH and I delved into kinky things; I was using a leather paddle on her. We hadn’t played much; this was basically her 2nd time ever doing anything even remotely kinky. We didn’t know each very well. I gave her a swat that was too hard for her and she safeworded. I stopped immediately, apologized and checked in to see where she was at. There are a number of things going on here. We had talked about the safeword before we did anything kinky, I also explained that I was focused on her pleasure and would try not to take things to the point where she felt like she needed to safeword. My response to the safeword was a question of trust too; I gave her a swat that was too hard, crossing a pain limit that I didn’t know was there. She probably didn’t know where that limit was herself. She safeworded and I stopped; I’m sure that she was waiting to see what was going to happen when she safeworded. Yes, I crossed her pain threshold and that was unfortunate, but our communication was good, the safeword was in place, and I respected that. I did what I said I was going to do, I stopped. We checked in, and then we kept going in a different direction, and that experience built trust between us. We both learned things. One thing to take note here is that I hadn’t tied her up yet. We were playing with spankings, and blindfolds, and rougher sex, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to be tied up. I didn’t push it, and she got there in her own time. I can guess though that a lot of the reason she decided that she wanted to be tied up had to do with us taking it slow in the beginning. We built that trust; she knew that if she safeworded I would stop, and that things would be ok.
My last point is about ego. My guess is that a lot of the trouble that comes about in these sorts of situations is because ego got in the way. I hate machismo, absolutely hate it. Few things get under my skin quite so much. I think machismo has its roots in ego, and in insecurity. Nobody’s perfect, people make mistakes. It’s stupid to assume that you can know ahead of time everything about someone or how they’re going to react or about a situation, no matter how experienced someone is. If I’m dominating it’s definitely a power-trip and part of that type play is my being in control, seeming like I’m in control, but I think it’s essential to balance that with a strong dose of reality. Not letting that take precedence over safety or failing ensuring that things are going well for my partner. If I need to take a step back, check in, or admit that things aren’t going quite right then that should be ok. I think ego should pretty much be checked at the door, best case scenario it gets in the way and things are not as pleasurable as they could be. Worst-case scenario somebody gets hurt. In between there are plenty of opportunities for unpleasantness.
I’m going to make some generalizations here. Someone who is purely a ‘Top’ or ‘Dominant’ who’s never been on the receiving end of that paddle has let their ego get in the way. Refusing to check in, discuss something beforehand, or not laying the groundwork for a safeword, is ego or machismo getting in the way. I know there are people who would disagree, but that is my opinion.
I think the bottom line is to be absolutely sure that you and your partner are really communicating in whatever way works for the two of you to make sure that you’re both on the same page. That’s a good bottom line whether we’re talking kinky or vanilla.
